Noah is now two years old and is a happy, healthy, silly little boy and that is all that matters. I love him so much, it is actually hard to describe. But to this day, I carry around what I call my “MG” aka mom guilt.
I was watching TV recently and someone was giving birth and I started to cry. This often happens when I think about my own experience with Noah. My husband actually suggested to write about it to see if other moms feel the same way. So in honor of all those moms out there and releasing some of my own MG, I thought I would share our “planned” birth story.
For the entire pregnancy, I was healthy and so was Noah. I had no problems and everything was routine. But in 2015, two days after Christmas. I noticed a change. Noah was pretty active in the womb, but all of sudden, I felt nothing. Something just didn’t feel right. I called the doctor and I immediately went into triage. After stress testing and ultrasounds, we discovered Noah had turned into a breech position, which was limiting his movement. What was this? And why did it happen? So of course, I freaked out and spent the next upcoming weeks Googling everything (I know, it’s my weakness). The doctors reassured us not to worry because most babies eventually turn on their own. They kept saying only 3-4% of babies are breech at birth, so most will turn on their own.
Through my research, I learned that there are several types of breech positions, which means the baby is not head first in the womb. Noah was in the oblique position. His head was under my right ribs, bottom on my pelvis and feet under my left ribs.
So from 32 weeks on, my husband and I were told that he will turn on his own, everything will be fine and they will continue to monitor his position.
Come 36 weeks, he still had not turned. My doctor suggested a version, which is manually turning the baby around from the outside. This is done at the hospital as an outpatient procedure. The chances of him moving were 50%, so we decided to do one. But, it was unsuccessful and the most painful experience ever, even WITH an epidural.
He didn’t budge, not even a centimeter. His heart rate dropped during the procedure and I was in excruciating pain. As a result, we had to schedule a c-section at 39 weeks. I was absolutely devastated. I was bruised from the inside out, heavily medicated, and could not believe I would have to have a c-section.
So many thoughts and questions ran through my head (and still do to this day). I would never experience my water breaking or going into labor. Was there something wrong with me or him? I wouldn’t be able to spend time with him immediately after his birth. Would I have to have one with future children? I thought motherhood meant to go through labor, like a right of passage. It broke me. For the first time, I didn’t want anything planned, I wanted him to come when he was ready.
From 36 weeks on, there were several things the doctor suggested we could do naturally on our own to move his position. It completely consumed my life. We tried everything. Acupuncture at The Nest (which I highly recommend for any moms to be), music, bouncing balls, moxa sticks that burn at your feet, yoga, chiropractor, essential oils, etc.
We would spend hours in Chinatown to just to find herbs and incense that might help him move. Hundreds of dollars spent, countless hours worrying and sleepless night, but no success.
At 39 weeks, I went in for the c-section at 39 weeks and it went perfect. There wasn’t anything more I would ask for. I still don’t know why this continues to weigh heavy on me, but I am working on releasing it. It shouldn’t matter how our children come into this world, but mothers and women in general always carry so much guilt. We should all try to give ourselves a little more credit.
This is a deeply personal post, but I would love to hear more about your experiences.
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Until next time,